Prikaz objav z oznako porn. Pokaži vse objave
Prikaz objav z oznako porn. Pokaži vse objave

6. jun. 2013

Collectively written erotic stories from Queeristan

All photos by YY

On June 1st, the 4th Queeristan festival in Amsterdam hosted my workshop in collective writing of porn, co-organized and co-facilitated by Bibliotheque Erotique's very own Lilly Miao. At the workshop, attended by twenty wonderfully relaxed people, we started by introducing ourselves with our porn name (invented at the spot), accompanied by a gesture and a sound that goes along with it. 

Olive, do you want to grease me? 
Yes, please. Blind-folded, on a trampoline with tarantulas crawling on my back and you biting my neck.

We continued by playing Definitions (or Question and Answer), a Surrealist game played in pairs, in which a question is written down and the paper is folded to conceal it from the next player who writes an answer. 

Do you think politics are sexy? 
Yes, nearly every day.

When will you be ready for the sexual riot against the government?
With full moon on a hot summer night, feeling turned upside down.

That is how we prepared for the climax: the collective writing of gender- and genre-fucking stories of our own. Again, we relied on Surrealist writing exercises; this time on Exquisite Corpse, a game for groups of four or five people in which each participant begins by writing her own story. Ten minutes later, he passes the piece to the next person. After reading it (or not), ze continues where the other person has stopped. The workshop is finished when everyone has written a part of every story.

Which place would you use for an erotic story to get an atmosphere that arouses you?
The experience was more intellectual-political than sexual, but it made me question sexuality in a different way.

The workshop ended with a reading and lots of hugs! Below, you can read some of our mistress-pieces. Check Bibliotheque Erotique's FB album for more photos, taken by YY. More stories are going to be published here and on Bibliotheque Erotique's webpage once we transcribe them. So, this is how we did it together ...


Question and Answer

How was it yesterday night?
Yes! I was drunk!

Tell me a fantasy that makes you feel guilty.
Spank me. Harder now.

If we were lovers, would you join me and my friends in a sexual private exploration?
Yes, definitely yes, would love to.

Do you remember how the first porn you watched made you feel?
For me, it’s arousing to sense the smell and sounds and touch of a person (in a situation with an erotic tension).

Describe the appearance of a person or object you fantasize about.
A woman making eyes at me across the room, we arrange to meet at midnight on a canal. I fuck her with my hand, we finish, we both walk away without speaking.

Did you ever have an erotic fantasy with your mother?
If I ever have a penis, I will explore all kinds of territories that I can’t explore now.

How would you like to have a sexy dinner with me?
With my tongue.

If I were an orange, how would you like to eat me?
Standing in front of a church, clearly using protection to make it safe.

What kind of food would you be for your lover or someone who you would like to eat?
Yes, of course. Several times, especially on public holidays and my birthday.

What has been your most surprising sexual experience?
I’d like to play with them while they play cello in an empty auditorium.

Which colour do your latest lovers tend to wear most?
I would like to try them all.

What was the best sex you ever had?
I would go for mellow mostly, aggressive occasionally.

What is your secret fantasy, if you know it?
Yes, please, take me to your secret garden and show me your flowers of passion.

Would you get naked on the street in front of everyone? What would you tell the people around you?
It was on the train, we both got naked and just stared at each other for an hour without touching while all other passengers were masturbating.

Do you belong to any religion? Do your sexual and spiritual practices intersect?
Because I like to sell myself.

Why did you become interested in spirituality and sex?
Because I want to push it further.

Where would you like to be touched?
In a mountain shelter, during a cold night.

Would you like to come with me to a waterfall to become wet in two seconds?
Yes, slowly, slowly, like a lazy snake on a hot summer day.

Where do you want me to start touching you?
In an old theatre, we are naked, reading for each other.

What kind of role playing games would you like to play?
Long black smooth hair, elf ears, and lips thirsty for kisses.



Exquisite Corpse

At the market - I

You were strolling around in your boots – it was midday and the sun was bright – and you stepped in front of me. I was standing behind my market stand with fruits and I was getting nervous. You looked right into my eyes and asked for a pound of strawberries.

“Why always strawberries,” I asked, “don't you wanna try mango?”

“Oh, mango, yeah, I like mango! My boyfriend actually named me Mango.”

Yellow skinned, sweet sometimes, stingy on the tongue, the taste hard core deep … Mango!

At this point, I thought: How should I eat the mango? By peeling off the skin of the fruit or by cutting through the flesh, to the cone, bit by bit?

“Hmmm, mango – yes please, a mango," I cried out loud and joined him behind the stand. I was holding that juicy fruit firmly in my hand.

“Can you cut it for me? I need to taste it badly.”

He took a knife, made a slit all around the mango, handling the fruit with the utmost care. Then his fingers pressed the two halves in their tight grip, stretching the slit open to uncover the hard pit. He discarded it. As he was handing me the cut fruit, his fingers were drenched in fresh sticky mango juice.

For a brief moment, our hands touched. We looked at each others eyes deeply – and kissed.

Fuck the mango!

That kiss was like dope. I couldn't think anymore. We were both hard and turned on. We were both lost in our intimacy, there was nothing else anymore around. He pulled my pants off and started touching me. With my boot, I pushed him to the market stand, took his pants off and fucked him.

It was intense, people were shocked and stunned, and they stopped moving. The atmosphere was super-sexual; it was like we had spread a sexual magic powder in the air. After a few minutes, the whole market turned into an orgy market!

























At the market - II
It is a rainy day in 2030, and I mean a rainy day. There is an open street market in the center of Amsterdam. The fish seller will usually stand at one of the river banks, with his collection of fish – especially on a rainy day. He will walk with his smelly fishy boots to welcome his customers.

All the fish are naked. I mean skin open naked, stretched on a 2030’s display table. They are in plates that look like Italian fish beds.

I ask for a pinkrosebudfish.

“Look how fresh it is, it just came out of the gen-tech facilities,” he says.

He takes his sharp knife and makes a quick incision along the fish belly which blossoms, revealing its fuchsia interiors.

I am wet.

He offers me a piece of that raw flesh and I immediately grab it and put it in my mouth. I close my eyes while chewing, and visualise the perfect dinner that fish could make; the herbs, the temperature, the wine. I open my eyes and glaze him so hard that even the dead fish feel the tension.

Was it a dream? I saw the fish jumping onto each other. Or were they dancing?

Suddenly, I saw myself lying under the fish, wearing nothing but my body skin, and the market person moving the fish up and down, from head to toe, over my body again and again.

This time, it felt so intense that I shouted out loud: “WAAAAW!”

Or was it just a dream?




At the market - III
It was the afternoon of May 2nd, a warm day at the street market. I wanted to make Gemsta: stuffed tomatoes and peppers with rice, baked in the oven. I was looking for big green peppers and juicy red tomatoes. The smell of the spices and the fruits in combination with the sweat of the people made the atmosphere at the market very attractive.

I felt myself almost fainting, and my knees got weak. I almost fell.

Two hands held me tight but very gently from behind to break my fall and I heard your voice saying: “Hoppla, are you okay?”

I turned around and saw you looking at me; and actually, then I really wanted to faint. Your lips were smiling and I wanted to get kissed all over; I wanted to get sucked into your mouth. I forgot all about my cooking plans.

Your mouth today, with hot-red lipstick, not my favorite color, but it is watery as usual. I want to suck those full-fat meat lips like I sucked your other two lips a while ago. What did they taste like? I forgot. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I will explore them again.

A fresh taste, today, here, at the market, in front of strangers passing by. Let me get wild with these lips; forget about the peppers, these hot-red peppers are never going to be on my plate again. I will put you on my main course tonight.

My daydreaming was making me lose control. I felt my body was shape-shifting right there in the middle of the market. My limbs now exposed were curling into new textures, and acquiring a taste of their own. They now were standing there as plump juicy tomatoes and heaps of fragrant red peppers.

Passers-by got all curious and excited by my transformation. Hands were touching my vegetable skin. Noses smelt my tangy perfume. Fingers were pressing my juices.

Good money was spent to buy me, piece by piece.

Once dropped off, I will end up carefully heated, smothered and greased, and tasted by the lusty velvet of your lips.


At the bike shop - I
Masha, the former bike race champion from Ostblok, entered the bike repair shop on Queeristan Street. It was to be her first day at work there, and it didn’t look good: the shop seemed abandoned and dusty. Moreover, there were pictures of current bike champions on the walls.

She heard noises in the back of the shop. She followed them and found what she was always looking for: Boris’s dog! Since she always wanted to be in one of Boris’s sexual fantasies, she decided to return at midnight wearing nothing but what she was born in! And she did.

When she came back at night, she noticed that she was not alone. Boris was at the shop as well. He did not notice Masha because he was too busy. Not for nothing he has a dog with such a big cock. He was obviously using it intensely in his everyday practice. They were intensely busy with a blow job in a 69 pose.

Masha was upset. There was no place for her in this setting.

“What are you doing here? Who are you?” a harsh voice interrupted her observations.

“I, i, i ... I’m sorry, I returned to fuck Boris’s dog but I see they are busy.”

“Oh, I see, maybe I can help you,” the person grabbed Masha’s hand. “Will you follow me?”

“Ok.”

They entered a room that was totally dark and smelled of animals.

“Let me introduce you to ... FickFackFuck – my horse. Do you like him?”

Masha did not answer. She immediately went to the wooden construction and bent over.


At the bike shop - II
I open the doors of FickFackFucks Bike Repair Shop and I am already trembling with excitement. The thought of FFF biting my neck makes me wet in three seconds. I let my finger slip in my slit to feel my wetness.

“Hello Masha, what are you doing? How are you? Great to see you,” FFF says, unzipping her greasy jacket.

“Huh!”

“So it is!” says FFF and slides her dirty black fingers into Masha’s pants.

Masha leans back on the front tire of a bike in repair, standing upside down. That is, the bike is upside down. She grabs the handles and starts to grind against the bike wheel that sinks in her butt crack while FFF’s fingers’ reach her from the front, creating an alchemic mix of grease and juice.

In the meantime, Boris was jaggin’ wildly around the corner. Not just jaggin’, but what is called French Jagging. The wet nose of his dog with a big cock was just next to his dick, which was about to explode. Moreover, the dog obviously came there by bike, which was broken and still had to be fixed.

But more about that in Part II.

Please, get back to us soon. We love U.


At the bike shop - III
It was a cold winter night in Slovakia. Masha was reaching her highest point of dissatisfaction and desperation in her sexuality while Fick Fack Fook was fickfackfooking Chache wildly, untimely.

As Boris was filming the beautiful mass, he found a way to help Masha.

“Do you want a glass of water?” Boris asked Masha.

“So sweet. What do you want back for it?”

“Help me to get satisfaction,” Boris said.

“Can I help you?”Masha asked and turned red.

“No, I totally don’t want you,” answered Boris.

“You know,” said Masha, “I have a solution. In our writing group, there is someone called Arabic Boy. He would definitely be happy to help you. I will go and get him.”

In a minute, Arabic Boy appeared and did his classic hip movement. This time, Boris turned red but there was no way back.

“Are you looking for satisfaction, Boris?” said Arabic Boy.

He came closer without touching Boris. Then, he sat down behind him and whispered in his ear:

“What does satisfaction mean to you?”

As Arabic Boy breathed in his neck, Boris felt goose bumps spread all over his body.

Masha was filming them. She didn’t have a microphone, so FFF provided the soundtrack with his “Ooohs” and “Aaaahs”.

Arabic Boy and Boris got tangled and tangled more, and when they screamed in satisfaction, Masha knew that – at least for them – the cold winter was over.

The film screening at Queeristan Film Festival 2050 was a success. The audience was hot, wet and loud.


At the bike shop - IV
It is the first wonderful summer day, and there are lots of visitors at the bike shop. It is Saturday and everyone wants to go cycling. A long line forms in front of the shop while Mozart’s music is heard from the inside.

It is very hot and people are getting irritated.

The guy who works at the shop goes to the toilet and doesn’t come back.

Someone claims s*he has to skip the line. S*he has to bring some new tubes and chains to the shop owner.

“All right, all right, go on.”

“Thank you,” says s*he and enters a room at the back of the store.

“Hey Boris, I got you some new tubes and chains.”

“Hey Chachi, that’s great, just leave them there, I’m busy now.”

But s*he does not leave the room.

“Uhm, what are you waiting for?” says Boris.

“I wanted to get your attention for a minute. Look at me.”

Boris puts down his tools and his eyes meet Chachi’s. Only then, he notices the metallic sparkles in her_his eyes, flying in his direction with the speed of a 3-gear bike. He is pulled towards the visitor and finds himself on his knees, licking the wet tubes in Chachi’s strong hands.

He is entranced. When he opens his eyes, he notices the customers. They have entered the shop and formed a circle around them. They touch themselves and moan loudly while Mozart’s music disappears in the background.

You might think this is the end of the story – but not yet!

Everyone was very patient. It was going in the direction nobody would expect. Fireworks everywhere, everyone was taking part in this Shortbus! A drop of Eternity!

The end (that would always continue)!

26. jan. 2010

Porno dlake na jeziku

Dlake na jeziku: napoved oddaje.

O pornografiji:
Pornič z medvedom - prvi del!
Pornič z medvedom - drugi del!

Premiera oddaje Dlake na jeziku, ki se tokrat posveča pornografiji, bo v MC Medvode oz. klubu Jedro v četrtek, 28. januarja 2010, ob 20.00. Kdor je na vest.si že videl prejšnji dve oddaji, posvečeni smrti (dober začetek!) in potrošništvu, vsaj približno ve, kako resno raziskovalno novinarstvo jemlje mlada ekipa iz Medvod, in kaj lahko pričakuje na premieri. Oddajo o pornografiji na tem mestu priporočam (kaj pa druzga) tudi zato, ker sem vmes imela svoj jezik...

Podrobnejša napoved je objavljena na spletni strani MC Medvode. Tule pa je zemljevid.

13. nov. 2009

Pogovor o pornografiji na Radiu SLO I

Preteklo sredo, 11. novembra, sva z dr. Renato Šlibar v radijski oddaji Izlivi govorili o mainstream, nekaj malega pa tudi o neodvisni in queer porno produkciji. Oddajo je vodil Mitja Blažič, tako napoved in posnetek oddaje kot tudi psevdo-psihoanalitične in do feminizmov odkrito prezirljive komentarje nekega zvestega poslušalca pa samo zate hranijo v tem skladišču.

21. jul. 2009

Istanbul Pride afterthoughts

Here are Anna Ehrlemark's impressions about the XXX Politics, or as we prefer, For Fuck's Sake workshop we held at the 2009 Pride Istanbul week. Below are my additions... Check out Ruzgar's photos, too!



The workshop took place in a dance studio called Çıplak Ayaklar or, in literal translation, Naked Feet, a name that, if you ask the neighbors, seems to suggest more than you could ever imagine seeing at the hammam right next door. Not only did we listen to on-screen moans and sighs at lower volume; during the workshop, the entrance door was locked – just in case another guardian of pub(l)ic morals would decide to check up on yet another shameless exposure of conscientious objectors who, among other kind and brave people, run the venue.
 
The studio is placed in a small dead-end street beside a metal workshop where a large sun-tanned man was smoking a cigarette, resting in the fading daylight while people began gathering for the discussion and screening. To my great surprise, there were people there who said they never watch porn but have come to see whether the independent and possibly queer porn films have something “less revolting” and more ticklish to offer.

After seeing portions of Trans Entities: The Nasty Love of Papi' and Wil and The Crash Pad, a girl said she could only enjoy these films if she put herself into a “male mindset”, a comment that needed further explaining since the exact characteristics of a “male mindset” seemed to be unknown to male and female participants alike. And yet, our demands to explain her claim might have been too pushy. In fact, it looked like we were too busy proving our point to actually hear her answer.

Did she say that the pleasures embodied on-screen were too far from the ones she likes? Or that the use of porn for arousal is, in her eyes, a domain so traditionally male, that it is easier for her to imagine herself in that role than it would be to claim that space, make it comfortable for her as a woman? Perhaps all she was saying was that she could not identify with those filmed bodies – an issue that seems to enter reflections on porn use only at workshops like these. As an abundance of sources claims, the essential condition for one’s enjoyment of porn is the opposite: you have to accept the objectification of another’s body in order to let your fantasies go, and allow yourself to scribble your own handwriting on those bodies. And then again: if you feel objectified and reduced to a sex object in real life – how can you be expected to do the same to people acting in virtual representations of sex? Especially those that deliberately try to familiarize you with the actors, de-objectify them, by interviewing them and showing the interviews before the sex, for example.
 
If we were satisfied with Barbara DeGenevieve’s amusing definition of queer porn as porn in which “queer people are having queer sex”, feminist porn proved to be a more difficult subject to pin down. As mentioned in Anna's notes, Jennifer Lyon Bell’s film received quite contradictory responses, all made in the name of feminism. In order to make any kind of discussion possible – in spite of the very articulate and respectful participants – it seemed that everybody has to define what they claim in the name of feminism first. And we tried.

There were people who have already seen all the films we brought for screening, and willingly shared other film suggestions with us. Like Abby Winters, an amateur lesbian site that prides itself with moral, or rather, ethical integrity. Also recommended were the Straight Guys for Gay Eyes site and the award-winning documentary about female masculinity by Gabriel Baur, Venus Boyz (2002). And, of course the fabulous “erotic noir” SM film by Maria Beatty, The Black Glove.

During The Crash Pad scene screening, I was smoking a cigarette in the studio’s kitchen. While watching familiar scenes, I realized that I must have reached my limit. I must have seen that film four times, and like it happens with “real” unimaginative sex, I definitely had enough. The scene that aroused me at the first viewing seemed terribly long and predictable now, and the only joy I could find was in the fact that I was looking at the scene in a mirror that reflected another mirror’s reflection of the screen.

I was thinking about what Luca Donnini said earlier that day: that from a genital point of view, the number of possibilities, sex positions, is very limited: our bodies are too predictably familiar, too similar to each other. And yet, if you talk about genders and their possible expressions, the details and differences multiply into infinity. While the challenge of making interesting, challenging, arousing queer porn would seem to lie right there – in the ability to portray that playful variety – it seems, strangely enough, that a whole lot of people are turned on more (and therefore keep looking for) visual representations of sex that are familiar, mirroring more of the same familiarity.

And thinking about the girl who had to put on her “male” persona in order to enjoy “women-friendly” porn, I could think of only one question: could it be that enjoyment of independent, feminist or queer porn requires a process of un-learning the rules of the genre (allowed and accessible fantasies included) as defined by mainstream production first. Could it be that, in order to enjoy porn, you also have to un-learn behaviors that are socially approved for your sex? And then: does it demand an exposure to a great variety of independent queer porn so that you can familiarize yourself with queer bodies and previously unseen fantasies, and get used to them. In other words, does it demand, like other kinds of sensitivities, a training in the ability to imagine the yet unseen and inexperienced? Something like our attempt to stamp out “common morals” with our “naked” feet and vulnerable ethics, perhaps.

12. jun. 2009

XXX-Politics at Istanbul Pride 2009

.
XXX-Politics: Independent Porn as a Critical Response to Mainstream Porn
… a workshop; discussion; film screenings at Istanbul Pride 2009!

Tuesday, June 23rd 2009, 20:00 – 23:00 at the Çıplak Ayaklar Dance Studio. Address: Firuzağa mah., Çukurcuma cad., No: 6/3, Beyoğlu, Istanbul, Turkey
Phone: 0212 252 30 13

http://prideistanbul.org/schedule.html
http://www.ciplakayaklar.com/index.html

The discussion/workshop is going to focus on independent pornographic films that can be labelled as political, feminist, queer or simply different from what the mainstream porno industry has to offer. Like all porn, independent porno films are about sexually explicit imagery intended for sexual arousal of the viewer. But the difference is significant. There are many amateur and professional film-makers who deliberately ignore, resist, laugh at, comment on or are bored with the persistent male-centered gaze, misogynystic scenarios and reproduction of heterosexual norms in the mainstream porn industry.

Independent porn is a direct and critical response to mainstream porn production. It is providing our horny and queer, role-playing and bisexual, lesbian and gay, submissive and dominant, transgressive and straight desires with a show-and-tell alternative. It is about reclaiming the right to sexual pleasure as we like it, to the beauty of bodies like yours and mine. It is about resisting sexual humilation, violence and exploitation in porn as a symptom of rather than the reason for the sexual and gender violence in society. It is not about liberal relativizing, but about respecting mutual consent. About ethics.

Is independent porn political? From a feminist point of view, it is politically correct because queer people with queer bodies are in it having queer sex. But porn can never be completely politically correct, because our fantasies are not. That's why watching and producing queer porn opens up a field of difficult questions that an unconditional anti-pornographic stance doesn't allow us to face. Barbara DeGenevive, one of the filmmakers that will be presented during the workshop, puts it this way:

"Porn is made to get people off. In order to do this, bodies must not only be highly sexualized, but objectified, fetishized, exotified and made to accommodate very particular individual kinks. Political correctness has become an intellectual prison within which an extremely limited dialogue can take place, and in fact where monologues and diatribes are usually the discursive practice. Embracing the need to objectify and be objectified, to fetishize and be fetishized, to play the willing victim as well as the victimizer, opens up a mine field that will be difficult to traverse, but it is a more intellectually provocative and honest terrain from which to understand who we are as complex sexual beings."

During the workshop we will show and discuss excerpts from the following independent porn films:

- Watching Lesbian Porn (dir.: Dayna McLeod, 2001, 10'18'', Canada, excerpt, Turkish subtitles
- Headshot (dir.: Jennifer Lyon Bell, Blue Artichoke Films, 2006, 9'00'', NL/USA)
- Trans Entities – The Nasty Love of Papi' and Wil (dir.: Morty Diamond, 2007, USA, excerpt, Turkish subtitles)
- The Crash Pad (dir.: Shine Louise Houston, Pink and White Productions, 2007/08, USA, excerpt)
- The Raspberry Reich (dir.: Bruce LaBruce, 2004, Canada, excerpt)
- Love Hotel (dir.: Barbara DeGenevieve, 2009, USA, excerpt)

Your questions and critiques are most welcome. The workshop is moderated by Anna Ehrlemark and Tea Hvala, the 2009 Feminist and Queer Festival Red Dawns (Ljubljana, Slovenia) porn film screening curators.

To apply, write to info@prideistanbul.org
The workshop is going to be in English. Simultaneous translation to Turkish is going to be provided. The number of participants is limited to 30 people. To help us prepare for the workshop we would be grateful if you enclose your reply to the following questions:

Why do you watch porn? Or why not?
What do feel is lacking in mainstream porn?

For stimulation, here are some missing (porn) links: http://rdecezore.blogspot.com/2009/03/xxx-until-dawn-missing-links.html

13. nov. 2006

Dim

Prejšnji torek nisem šel spat, pa sem vseeno zamudil dostavo sveže preklanih govejih polovic v Namo, ropot smetarskih kamionov in vrsto pred frizerskim salonom Jožica. Zamudil sem prvi čik v rezki vlagi, ki trže grlo, in nisem bil prvi gost v baru ob avtobusni postaji – tam se je ob šestih, vem, moj prijatelj Dim ustavil na prvo dozo žganja. Na pultu Slovenske novice.

Žganje je počasi prilezlo do ramena, komolca, zapestja in prstov, ki jih Dim menda še med spanjem krči pod rebra, kot bi tudi v sanjah stavil iverke pod polavtomatski sveder. Norma v njegovi fabriki je tisoč sto veznih plošč do dveh popoldne in prav toliko lukenj, ena po eno. Enkrat mi je rekel, da ni panike, da se je naučil podajat tiste kose iverke kot bi opitim gospodičnam slamice v koktejle zabadal, tisoč sto sit na glavo, prosim!

Jaz se ponavadi plazim iz postelje šele ob enajstih, razvajen od študentarije in novinarskega dela, ki sem ga v celoti posvetil kulturi noči. Vse to, kar je Dim pripisal ranim jutranjim uram, poznam, le da iz druge, prekrokane perspektive, ki je iz hitečih in slabo oblečenih ljudi naredila »trpeči proletariat«. Bolj ko sem gledal trebuhe, trenirke in krmižljave oči v dimu sedeminpetdesetk, bolj sem bil izven sveta in bolj sem pomiloval človeštvo, ustrojeno po merah mašinerije.

Dim se mi vedno nasmiha. Da vztrajam, otrok, v sanjah strahopetnega tatu, ki tiho opazuje kopičenje ključavnic na vratih in denarja v bankah, kamor nimam dostopa, ker nimam spretnosti niti eksploziva, da bi vsaj zrušil utrdbe varnega sveta, če jih že obrati ne morem. Nasmiha se in ne vem, če je to posmehljiv ali dobrovoljen smeh, prepozno pa je, da bi ga vprašal, ker sva od prejšnjega torka sprta in ga raje ne bi več srečeval. V Ljubljani je to bolj težko izvedljivo, pa sem si rekel, da bom žrtvoval Kinoteko in Metelkovo, da ga le ne bi srečal, kot sem ga včeraj, nepričakovano, v neumnem križišču pred non stop Merkatorjem na Tržaški. Jaz na biciklu, on v avtu, ki zavija desno in mu križam pot, in ko je posvetila zelena sva se spogledala, kdo bo prvi speljal in obenem sem vedel, kaj bo storil, in res se je nasmehnil, kaj pa. Dvignil sem roko v pozdrav, že hotel zakričati naj odpre okno in mi pove, kdo sem mu bil in kaj sem mu storil, pa je pograbil volan in speljal, preden sem sploh zbral sapo... in izdihnil v prazno, v smerokaz za Postojno, kjer je še poleti mrzlo.

Prejšnji torek pa sem, skupaj s Cinom in Andrejem, tudi jaz končal v baru avtobusne. Najprej smo šli pozdravit generala Majstra, misleč, da je on nad meglo, pa ni bil in smo šli raje na kavo in zadnje čike. Cin se je delal filozofa in njegovo modrovanje o tem, kako so ljudje, ki morajo v službo ob petih ali šestih, vsi deformirani in grdi, potem pa postajajo vse lepši, dokler ob devetih ne pridejo državne uradnice in študentke, ki so najlepše, mi je šel na živce, in hotel sem ga udarit. Z Andrejem sta si kimala in si lišpala zaključne poudarke v stavkih, ki jih eden ali drug ni uspel dokončat sam.

Začelo me je zvijat v trebuhu in bruhnil sem v Cina, ker je znal tako prefinjeno ozmerjat ta čas, ki nikogar ne izključi iz pehanja za »nekoliko miru in udobja«, da je pofukan bebec, če misli, da lahko z jezikom mimogrede oplazi vsa življenja, ki jih nikoli ni in ne bo poznal. Kaj bi pa rad, je zategnil, da jočem ob vsej tej bedi ali kaj, potem pa se je osredotočil na svoj čik. Sram me je, da se sploh družim z idiotom, ki lahko žali vratarje, varnostnike in natakarice, ob tem pa ne vidi, da smo zanje vsi trije; Andrej, on in jaz, le študenti, ki nočejo in ne znajo odrasti. Pobral sem prazno škatlo od čikov in kapo, se dvignil in jima zmrdnil en pozdrav, pa me nista pogledala, gledala sta nekam meni za hrbet, više in me je tisto prijelo pod pazduho. Dim, kdo pa.

Oj-oj, živjo-živjo.

»S tabo grem,« sem se ponudil, »če greš delat, grem s tabo do Lesne.«

Zavil je na Miklošičevo, v napačno smer je hodil in nisem vprašal zakaj, dokler nisva prišla do Prešerca in je zinil, da bi en čik.

»Nimam. Mam pa doma še neki za zvit.«

Nažicala sva dva čika, potem pa je Dim rekel, da danes ne gre delat in jutri tudi ne, in da bi šel z mano. Zavila sva proti Rožni in sem ponudil, da lahko greva tudi enostavno spat, ker je cimrova postelja prosta. Pogledal me je in ne da bi to res hotel, sem ga prijel za ramo kot papagaj prime gusarja.

»Spičil sem se s šefom. Pa še Vera, stara vešča, ki dela poleg mene, je cel teden govorila o tistih črnogorskih tipih, ki so ustrelili kamjonarja iz Celja, ker jim ni hotel dati denarja. Toliko časa je govorila, da nisem več zdržal in sem se useknil nazaj, da mu je prav tako, kaj pa je delal v Črni gori s polno ritjo keša. Stara me je gledala, najmanj morilca, potem pa sem šel na WC in spizdil.«

Sklepam, da bi lahko pištolarji ustrelili kamjonarja tudi, če bi jim dal denar in še kamjon za povrh, ampak sem raje molčal in si mislil, da bi Dimu kak dim res legnil. V Rožni je padel na cimrovo posteljo, kot vsakdo, ker na moji – ob vseh kosih plastike in papirja – ni prostora za še eno rit. Zbiram stvari, ki jih najdem na cesti in tiste, ki niso za nič uporabne, spravljam na posteljo, da jih bom nekoč, ko me zagrabi, zlepil v pošast, ki ne bo lahko berljiva.

»Ampak – saj to ne bi bilo prvič,« sem se iztrgal iz mojih blodenj.

»A misliš Črnogorce?«

»Hja,« sem vzdihnil in se lotil motanja in upal, da mi bo vsaj filter Dim zvil, on pa je lepo ležal na postelji in me čakal. Končno sva zakurila vejo in vlekla iz nje toliko prašnih upov, da se mi je zavrtelo v glavi. Dim si je dal roko pod glavo in gledal v strop. Nisem zdržal in sem butnil na slepo in ga vprašal, zakaj se mi vedno posmehuje.

»Heh,« je rekel, »a ne veš? Zato ker me imaš tako rad.«

Gledal sem ga, on pa se je gladil po trebuhu, se potem zasukal k meni, posmehnil in zamrmral: »Pridi sem, Iztok, no, dej že.«

In sem res počepnil ob posteljo, ob Dima in čakal. Na silo me je potegnil za roko, da sem se spotaknil in pristal na vseh štirih nad njim kot pes. Hitro sem se preložil ob stran, on pa je zavzdihnil, se obrnil na bok in mi pokazal hrbet, kot da hoče spati. Zavohal sem njegov vrat, ki me je gledal izpod puloverja in položil sem nanj dlan in jo pustil tam, naj širi toploto, naj se prilepi ob njega, kot se je včasih ob deklico, ki me je zvlekla v svoj brlog, potem pa čakala name, kot sem zdaj čakal Dima, da me izvleče iz misli in me poenostavi. Roka mu je počivala na boku in nagnil jo je nazaj, nad moj pas, s prsti je izvlekel mojo srajco in se tihotapil k votlini med stegni, jaz pa sem še bolj tiščal dlan na njegov vrat in poslušal, kako mi srce tolče v grlu, trebuhu, jajcih in tiču, kjer me je Dim počasi povsod okušal.

Mislil sem na papirnate ptiče, ki visijo nad oknom namesto zaves. Pa na rolete, ki niso bile spuščene in je svetloba bleščala na najinih kosteh. Dim se je obrnil k meni, kot bi me prebral, da sem vroč in begav od njega iskal razpoke, kamor se najbolj prilegam, pa me je odrinil in naskočil, da se nisem mogel premikat z njegovimi nogami čez moj trup. Z dlanjo je zajel moje roke in mi jih dvignil kvišku, za glavo, kot kak policaj, z drugo pa je odpenjal moje hlače, ki mi že itak drsijo z riti. Ta kurba od Dima me je vzel v roke in mi je šele zdaj postalo jasno, da res ne bo čakal na mojo sramežljivost, ampak me bo vsak čas prevrtal za hec, kot kos zlepljene žagovine me bo maščeval jeklenim svedrom.

Dim je zgrabil mojo malenkost, jo gnetel sebi po meri in me nasadil sebi v usta, se premislil in še bolj trdno nategnil moje roke nad glavo, da me je streslo po celem telesu od srbečice od te golazni jetniške, Dimu pa se je potem zmešalo in je cel plosknil name, me drgnil z ušesom in licem in brado in čelom in nosom in usti in si oko na mojega tiča nataknil, jaz pa sem dihal in dihal in hropel, da nisem več vedel, kje se končam jaz in kje začne on in se mi je začelo vrtet in zmanjkalo mi je prostora, zmanjkalo me je, da sem ustrelil vanj in se dvignil prehitro, da je Dima vrglo vznak, ob moja kolena se je sesedel, potem pa besno skočil s postelje.

»Pička ti materina, pankrt neučakan,« je zaklel, jaz pa sem ga gledal, se oklepal tiča in tudi Dimu hotel zdrgniti litanije vseh svetih dirkačev. Dvignil sem se in mu hotel zvleči kavbojke z riti, pa me je brcnil nazaj na posteljo, planil name in me podrl podse. Potem me je drgnil, s celim telesom se je drgnil in me krtačil kot umazan tepih, me čistil in spiral z rebri in boki in tičem vmes, dokler se ni zapeljal do mojega vratu in obtičal, me držal v primežu, da sem ves blazen stegoval jezik do jajc in ga goltal vase, do koder sem segel, sem cuzal in grabil.

Dihal sem vase njegovo težino, dokler ga nisem končno zasačil dovolj blizu, da mi je sam zdrsnil v usta in grlo, da sem ga čutil vse do konice trebuha; čutil, kako mu tič v srcu, v mojih ustih, vse bolj utripa in bije in se lomi, da se je naenkrat zrušil name z vso težo in sem začel kričati, se drl in vpil, da je spet skočil in se zvalil poleg mene, ne da bi trznil ob mojem dretju. Kako naj povem? Planet je iztiril in se spet ujel v krožnico, medtem pa sfukal zavore? Ehh...



Zbudil sem se in cimer je stal nad mano in tuhtal, kaj naj stori z nagcem v svoji postelji, ki je – to sem razbral – sam ležal v njegovih rumenkastih rjuhah. Nekaj je škripal suhih ust, potem pa se je obrnil in zaloputnil vrata in sem si mislil, da je to veliko bolj podobno preziru kot Dimov posmeh, in je bolje, da je šel ven, kot da me iz gnusa zadavi prav tam. Navlekel sem cunje nase, stopil na hodnik in iskal Dima v kuhinji, v kopalnici, na balkonu in pod posteljo, pa ga ni bilo. Tudi na čiku pred blokom ne. Še v sanjah sem tipal svoj lepkast trebuh.

Saj se nisva res sprla, jaz in Dim, samo tako sem prej rekel, da bi razložil, da se ga bojim srečat, ker sem bom drl in kričal in krulil, on pa se bo, kurba, spet le posmehnil.